2017 is a scary year for me. I am phasing out Dreams I thought were once mine and standing at the forefront of what could be a Life Changing Adventure for myself and My family.
My biggest struggle has been in my appearance.; in looking into the Mirror and Not looking away. For more than 3 decades I have hidden behind concealer and make-up due to Scars and Cystic Acne. Unfortunately, because of these physical scars I have more than compensated with emotional ones that match. I am working on it and it has proven to be quite a journey. So I post today with no mask. No make-up, my teeth not even brushed and still in a robe.
I am terrified. But I am choosing to be Brave.
I sat this morning, before the sunrise, before the birds began to chirp and before even the old dog had woken me to be let out. I sat in the quiet crackle of the roaring fire, the puff of the diffuser and the coughing of my sick children muffled only by their closed doors. I sat at first staring at the orange and red in the flames and then at their dancing light show across the hardwood floors. I was trying to sit and wait for answers.
I sat on the couch at first, warm Lemon Water in hand, cross-legged and spine straight.
I moved to the floor between the couch and the ottoman, legs straight out, mug in hand and spine erect against the couch frame.
As I entered into prayer, my mind wandered. Oh how it wandered. I had a list of a million things to do. I tried to let the thoughts come in and come out but their abundance was so overwhelming that I could not focus on my prayer.
Pointless prayer once again. Fail.
I decided I needed to download. So I got a legal pad and a pencil and I wrote. I wrote down everything for the day from what we were having for dinner to what errands I had to run and phone calls I had to make. When my hand finally began to cramp I literally tossed the pad by my side, since I was still sitting on the floor, and I bowed my head onto the ottoman, cross-legged and began to weep.
I wept mostly because I didn’t, in that moment, feel worthy of the tangible hand I felt on my shoulder to say “it’s Ok. Come as You Are.” The tears were for the overwhelming Love I have carried with me since I stood before Him almost 31 Years ago. They were for this Innate relationship We have since before Creation that I sometimes take for granted. The Tears were for wanting to follow the Path He has set for me but being beyond Terrified to walk it. They were for the inability to forgive few and the all seemingly ‘natural’ jealously I had for others succeeding in what I thought was My Path.
Sometimes we try too hard.
Sometimes we forget that we don’t have to talk to Him with a straight spine, perfectly planned moment ready to Hear what He needs to tell us. We forget that we are Weak and Sinful and it’s OK. We forget that we All have moments of shame and guilt. We All need an extra push sometimes. We are All Imperfect; All of the time. And that it is not only OK, but it is what makes us so beautifully Human and also what makes it so Sweet that we Choose to worship Him.