Tag Archives: be brave

Learning from Silence

2017 is a scary year for me. I am phasing out Dreams I thought were once mine and standing at the forefront of what could be a Life Changing Adventure for myself and My family.

My biggest struggle has been in my appearance.; in looking into the Mirror and Not looking away. For more than 3 decades I have hidden behind concealer and make-up due to Scars and Cystic Acne. Unfortunately, because of these physical scars I have more than compensated with emotional ones that match. I am working on it and it has proven to be quite a journey. So I post today with no mask. No make-up, my teeth not even brushed and still in a robe.

I am terrified. But I am choosing to be Brave.

I sat this morning, before the sunrise, before the birds began to chirp and before even the old dog had woken me to be let out. I sat in the quiet crackle of the roaring fire, the puff of the diffuser and the coughing of my sick children muffled only by their closed doors. I sat at first staring at the orange and red in the flames and then at their dancing light show across the hardwood floors. I was trying to sit img_4641and wait for answers.

I sat on the couch at first, warm Lemon Water in hand, cross-legged and spine straight.

Fail.

I moved to the floor between the couch and the ottoman, legs straight out, mug in hand and spine erect against the couch frame.

Fail.

As I entered into prayer, my mind wandered. Oh how it wandered. I had a list of a million things to do. I tried to let the thoughts come in and come out but their abundance was so overwhelming that I could not focus on my prayer.img_4438

Pointless prayer once again. Fail.

I decided I needed to download. So I got a legal pad and a pencil and I wrote. I wrote down everything for the day from what we were having for dinner to what errands I had to run and phone calls I had to make.  When my hand finally began to cramp I literally tossed the pad by my side, since I was still sitting on the floor, and I bowed my head onto the ottoman, cross-legged and began to weep.

I wept mostly because I didn’t, in that moment, feel worthy of the tangible hand I felt on my shoulder to say “it’s Ok. Come as You Are.” The tears were for the overwhelming Love I have carried with me since I stood before Him almost 31 Years ago. They were for this Innate relationship We have since before Creation that I sometimes take for granted. The Tears were for wanting to follow the Path He has set for me but being beyond Terrified to walk it. They were for the inability to forgive few and the all seemingly ‘natural’ jealously I had for others succeeding in what I thought was My Path.profile-no-makeup

Sometimes we try too hard.

Sometimes we forget that we don’t have to talk to Him with a straight spine, perfectly planned moment ready to Hear what He needs to tell us. We forget that we are Weak and Sinful and it’s OK. We forget that we All have moments of shame and guilt. We All need an extra push sometimes. We are All Imperfect; All of the time. And that it is not only OK, but it is what makes us so beautifully Human and also what makes it so Sweet that we Choose to worship Him.

 

Shut Down the Chatterbox

I went for run tonight. My first in a week. I so desperately wanted to fit one in over these last 95 degree days but didn’t dare. I was excited for the sprinkle that was coming down and prayed with both kids before bedtime that it would continue through the night. We are so desperately in need of rain.

The run began and the rain continue to fall. Mile 1. Mile 2. Mile 3. The rain started falling a little harder and a bit heavier. Mid-mile 3 I decided to take the Main Road back home because it was better lighting and more open spaces. My thought, as the light disappeared, was that it might be safer. It added a half-mile or so, but I felt great and wasn’t worried. Mile 4.
run in rainI knew at this corner I had about 2 miles till I was done. Sound Cloud call was wrapping up and another about to begin and I still felt good. And then it happened.

Lightning. No thunder as a warning. No heavier rain to help me predict its arrival. Just a single bolt of lightning. It hit so close to me I could feel the electricity through the ground and it made my toes curl.
lightningWhat I did next was probably stupid, but I ducked under a tree in order to shelter myself from the rain as the thunder crashed. I pulled my ear plug out from underneath my now soaked #RunLikeKeith hat, pulled my phone out and shut it off and tucked everything back into my running pouch.

Then I waited. All I heard was the sound of rain bounding off the leaves and roof tops. I started to think about all the possible scenarios from this point forward;

If I get out from under the tree will lightning strike? Wicked Tuna says lightning likes a moving target? Will it hit me or the tree first? What is Graig starts to worry and tries to call me? If he cannot get through he will panic and come driving to find me. He cannot leave the house the kids are sleeping. If he leaves the kids he will have to call a neighbor and tell them I am running in this storm. The neighbors are going to think I am an idiot! I don’t need anyone else thinking I am an idiot!migrane

CRASH THE CHATTERBOX.

You know what I am talking about. That senseless and babbling voice between your ears.

Shut. It. Down.

I stopped it, took a deep breath and waited. After a minute of focusing more on my breathing then the storm I was stuck running the last 2 miles in, I finally heard it. That Devine whisper that comes from within. I heard it audibly.

“Trust me. Ready, Set, Go.”

Without another though my feet started to hit the pavement. Faster and harder than they had the first 4 miles, but with determination and without doubt.FullSizeRender (1)

There wasn’t a Single lightning strike or clap of thunder until I walked safely through the garage door.

You see, the first part of the run I was focused on the numbers; How far? How fast? How long? I compare myself to other runners, to my previous run and to friends and family that runs.

For the last leg, I simply focused on the journey and how much I wanted to be home, be with my children and my husband. I ran for them. I ran for me. I ran.

I was given a gift last month when I found a ‘company about personal growth disguised as a person care company.’  I followed a tug on my heart, a whisper and dove in with two feet.

So stop comparing and start being fair to yourself.

If you feel a tug on your heart – chase it instead of letting the chatter box talk you out of it.

Trust. This. Journey. Be the best version of you. #mywhy #lifebydesign

trust journey