When Mommy Says to Take a Nap….Parenting for Real

When Mommy Says to take a nap it probably because you’re tired

It might be because you didn’t sleep well the night before

Or because you are getting over a cold and simply need to rest

It might be because the look in your little eyes says there is a storm brewing and she is trying to get a head start on it

When Mommy says to take a nap it is usually because you need one, but sometimes when Mommy tells you to take a nap it actually means Mommy needs a break

Maybe it is because she put on a happy face all weekend in order to avoid questions of health and it finally caught up with her

Maybe it is because of the extra 25 pounds she has to carry because of your new sibling due in 10 weekspix-from-phone-094

Maybe it is because 5 poopy diapers was just over her limit for this morning

Maybe Mommy said to take a nap because the sibling rivalry is too much today

Maybe Mommy said to take a nap because she doesn’t want you to see her cry

Maybe Mommy had too little sleep because she was up worrying about you and how well she did the day before

Maybe Mommy has taken on too muchmouth shut

Maybe Mommy has too many baby hormones roaring through her body

Maybe Mommy feels like she knows nothing at all today

Maybe Mommy said to take a nap because she wants you to see her as your strength, your comfort and shelter

Maybe it is because you tried to change your own poopy diaper…without wipes

Maybe Mommy needs a break from holding it all together

Maybe it was the tooth mark you made in her shoulder

Maybe because the screaming has finally altered her brain chemistry

Maybe Mommy needs some quiet time herself

Maybe it was the swollen cheek bone from your loving head-butts

Maybe it is because she is tired of finding new scratches on your brother from your joy of pinching him

Maybe Mommy said to take a nap because she was up all weekend wiping your nose, your rear end and your tearsFlipSleeping

Maybe Mommy said to take a nap because she is worried about how the new bundle of joy is going to fit into our current little family dynamic

Maybe it was because of the melted marker caps you hid next to the wood stove

Maybe Mommy said to take a nap because her feet hurt from stepping on the blocks you left all over the floor

Maybe it was the racecar you bruised your sisters leg with when you threw it at her

Maybe Mommy said to take a nap so she doesn’t shake you, chase you into your room or take the time to save the dogs from your attempt at gymnastics

Maybe it was the urine she found in your emptied Hot Wheels box

Maybe Mommy said to take a nap because she needs a break catching you mid-air off the couch, off the counter, off the shelves or down the stairsClimbing Cabnets

Maybe Mommy didn’t eat enough because she was too busy catering to your every desire

Maybe Mommy said to take a nap because she is having her own emotional breakdown and needs time to recover from the 3rd one you had today

Maybe Mommy said to take a nap because she needs a moment to take a breath, catch her breath, have some tea and start over again in an hour

Maybe Mommy said to take a nap because, to put it simply, Mommy knows best.SickBoy

Maybe Mommy wants to be the best she can be for you and for this reason you need to take a nap. Maybe when you wake up she will be kinder, more patient, sweeter, more forgiving and more understanding.

So for the sake of everyone around the world and all the Mammas out there…my littles….listen to Mommy and please go take a nap.Happy Kids

 

 

Parenting for Real – When your Kids See Your Meltdown

BlocksmessToday my kids saw it. They saw Mamma reach her limit and crack.

I am not talking about losing my temper or yelling loudly. I am not talking about throwing the dirty laundry down the stairs forcefully enough to make myself feel better. I am talking about that moment when you literally reach a physical and emotional peak and there is nowhere to go but down. I am referring to that moment in motherhood that is extremely magnified when you suffer from anxiety and depression. I am talking about Parenting for Real while still trying to find yourself under all the negative talk the little voice in your head makes.

I don’t like to feel out of control. I like my schedule, I like my routine and I certainly don’t appreciate when people put pressure on me to step outside my comfort zone.

laundryMy kids saw me lose control today. It wasn’t even 8:00am.

I don’t know if it was the dirty clothes on the floor stretching from the hallway and down the flight of stairs. I don’t know if it was the yogurt covered raisins covering the kitchen tiles. I cannot remember if it was the mess of blocks that I had just put my OCD to good use organizing. I don’t remember what set it off exactly, but it happened.

My kids saw me drop to my knees and lose control of every emotion I was trying to hold in. They saw their Mamma’s anxiety take complete control over their life and for a split second they were scared of it, and me.

For scaring my children, I feel guilty. For having a complete emotional breakdown in front of them for the first time in both their lives; I feel no guilt. They needed to see me hit my limit so they understand that I have them.raisins

Too many of us suffer in hiding; silently struggling with anxiety and/or depression and a constant internal monologue that we cannot measure up. We fight the urge to ignore those voices, but fail miserably most of the time. We blame it on lack of sleep, being too busy, too distracted, hormonal, spread too thin, or not having enough support. We find every reason we can to evaluate and defend ourselves, but what we don’t do is forgive ourselves for being human. We feel as though, as Mothers, if we are not Superhero Moms, we are not good enough.

We put pressure on ourselves to keep a clean house, to remember birthdays, pay bills, work out a budget, plan dinner, play with our children and still try to support the family financially whenever possible. We were created to be strong because we are so tough on ourselves.

I got into the car to bring my daughter to school and as I turned up the radio, as demanded by the 4-year old in the third row, the words were piercingly poignant; I’m Gonna Dance to the Beat of Amazing Grace and Hold on to the Promise that you made, Cause I know whatever’s gonna come my way – You’re here with me and Its Gonna Be a Good Day.

So here I sit, an outgoing introvert who suffers from anxiety, with my son on my lap and a fresh cup of coffee, trying to fight the butterflies in my gut which want me to stop sharing this with you.

You. Are. Not. Alone.     EVER.

No matter which way you look at it.

So throw things, shout, cry or even hit a wall – but Don’t feel as though you don’t measure up as a Mother. You ARE a mother, and that is Superhero enough for me and my Kids.whywomencry

Everything No One Tells You – Trying to Conceive after Miscarriage

“You Never completely Heal emotionally from a miscarriage. When you decide to move forward with more treatments, it will sometimes feel as though you are turning your back on the child you lost. You will torture yourself with imagined scenarios of siblings, of your lost child’s reaction to your decisions. You will inaudibly consult your child on decisions that you feel they need to be a part of. A miscarriage creates a scar on your heart- and there is no healing scars. You just learn to live with them. Do not be ashamed of them. Embrace them, and make them part of your life. You will be stronger for it.”

We started our Gonadotropin injections as soon as we were allowed too, having passed the injectable class. It required a daily injection in the abdomen, a trigger shot, an IUI (Intra-uterine insemination) and the usual blood work and ultrasounds. The schedule looked something like this-

myfertilitychoices.com
myfertilitychoices.com

New Cycle:

Day 2- Blood work/Ultrasound

Day 3 through 11 – Injections + 3xs Blood work

Day 12 – Ultrasound, Blood work and an injection

Day 13 – Blood work, Ultrasound, Trigger Shot

Day 14 – A physical break

Day 15 – Specimen Collation, IUI,  Blood work

Day 17 – Progesterone Inserts 1-2xs daily as the doctor checks blood work very 5-7 Days

http://whenrugonnahaveababy.blogspot.com/2012/05/crinone-8_19.html
http://whenrugonnahaveababy.blogspot.com/2012/05/crinone-8_19.html

A side note about progesterone Inserts; They are disgusting. Stop reading  and move to next paragraph if you are easily grossed out. The are a cream filled tampon you must insert to which gravity applies. Think about it. They are gross and required everyday after an IUI during an injectable cycle. Invest in some panty liners!

Now, the Prince and I had been through the general process 3 times before this cycle and used to do every step together. Things changed after the miscarriage. We became very determined and goal orientated. instead of taking it step by step.

I no longer walked to the dungeon of shame with him and instead, I sent him on the 1 hour drive alone to give a sample before 8 am, as required, while I waited back at home for the scheduled IUI the same afternoon. It became routine; no longer enjoyable.

http://newmyanmarpyi.blogspot.com/2014_03_01_archive.html
http://newmyanmarpyi.blogspot.com/2014_03_01_archive.html

To be completely honest, I think the miscarriage took more out of us emotionally then either of us were willing to admit. We still had faith in the process, but had lost hope it would work for us.

Getting a shot in my gut was a tough transition from simply swallowing pill. Even though I took the class, there was still the mental challenge of sticking myself with a needle, on purpose. I envisioned myself trying to fall onto it, or sticking my finger or my husband instead of my love-handle. I knew that the greater purpose for this was a baby and that helped when my husband did the shots, but it was so different when I had to do it myself.

To add a little pressure, all of these medications were scheduled and needed to be given within an hour of the same time which they were given the day previous.

I recall one time in particular; I was on work travel and it was the first time I had to give myself a shot alone. At dinner, I snuck a piece of ice into my cheek thinking I could numb my gut in the bathroom. When I finally arrived to my stall, the ice was gone and I was faced with sucking it up and sticking it to my gut, all alone, or quitting.

I am Not.  A. Quitter.

At the risk of being found, passed out on the floor of a public rest room, with a syringe in hand, I took a deep breath, grabbed as much skin on my abdomen as possible and shoved that need in, like a butter knife into a well-done sirloin. As my hands trembled, I pressed the back of the syringe into the front and injected the meds into wherever the tip of the needle had landed (I could only imagine).

Success.

The only obstacle now was to exit the bathroom stall with an expression that explained the fact that my feet were no where near the usual ‘sitting on the toilet’ position and my skin tone had gone from a nice fuchsia to a translucent cream.Feet bathroom stallI smiled at the first person in the long line that made eye-contact.

I watched the tiles pass my feet on the floor, to pass the rest.

Round 1 – Not pregnant.

Round 2 – Not pregnant.

Round 3 – and the last round our insurance would cover….. and something went wrong….