Sometimes, choices in parenting, require that you simply close your eyes and hold your breath. No one tells you this of course before your child arrives. Instead they say things like, ‘it is completely natural,’ ‘you will figure it out as you go along,’ or ‘everything will work itself out.’ Well for those of you like me…..with mild OCD and lacking a verbal filter……to those who dare to give you such advice….just simply say ‘bug off!” Then run. They are hiding the truth from you….
Parenting is the greatest blessing in the world. I know all of you reading this can remember the very second, those first seconds and the moment you met your first born. That feeling of elation and excitement and fear all contained in those uncontrollable tears falling down your cheeks. You can describe that moment with all the words you want, but until you have been there, there are no word to describe it really. Me? I didn’t get any of that with my first-born.
There I was, in the OR, strapped to a table like a science experiment or a crucifix, drugged, naked and shivering. No, this was not a typical Friday night for me, thank you for asking. I had full frontal placenta Previa and the case was so sever, that we had decided to deliver in the OR rather then L&D in order to have access to emergency plans we may need.
My spinal didn’t work right. Although everyone in that room will tell you different, they were not the one with no control over their body, counting the layers of skin being cut and then sutured by feeling it!
By the time they pulled my daughter out and I heard her first scream I had given up. I had decided that as long as she were fine, if it were my time to die, then I would be alright with that.
I lay on the bed, in and out of consciousness, while I heard clinking of tools, suction of blood and little paper-like blue booties scurrying across the floors. My OB was playing music and ‘Your So Vain’ came on…..SERIOUSLY?
So my husband followed our daughter up to the NICU for a pneumo-thorax and I stayed behind, waiting to bleed out and die.
See? I totally got jipt with the whole ‘elation and instant love’ for my child because I was too busy trying not to die.
I closed my eyes and held my breath. Welcome to freekin parenthood.